Sunday, October 22, 2006

What is wrong with me...

What is wrong with me? I'm sitting here after seeing the best movie I have seen in my entire life, the Prestige, and I feel like nothing I have done in my life to date matters. I don't really matter. And for the second time in my life the course of a day, much like any course of any other day, has lead me to a place I have only been once before. Realization of my worthlessness in the world and and an understanding that is time to give up on my dreams and be misserable the rest of my life. I can not accomplish what I want to do, who I want to be, I am nothing and that is all there is to it. Who am I to think that I could be something important to someone more then myself, which could never be anyways.

My goals are unreachable, I am a failure and all there is left for me is medicority(misspelled) , my fantasies of making myself better or leave a mark on one life with my words is just that, fantasy. I know that my actions in my life have touched others, but my desire to do what I love and have it be enough never will be me. I lie to myself every days, lie to others every day, lie to the world so much that what I Lie to hide not longer exists. The lie has become me and I have become the lie but the lie is based on falsities and deciet so what I am is just that, nothing. to fade away and end would be a release for me but torture for others, so that is not an option. But going on is just as bad, not worse, not better but bad. What can being nothing to myself and something to others bring me but hollowness, emptiness, pain, and self hate.

I have nothing to focus on. No dreams, no desires, not reason to be. Who am I but shadow. Shadows can be friend to someone and nothing to itself... thats it, I'm a shadow of who I can never be... nothing more...


-jay

til next time I am in a dark or hatefilled mood, I wish I had a cork screw so I could drink myself to sleep...

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